I’ve included flowers of gratitude throughout this dissertation because they feel inseparable from the center of the work, but I want to flip the margins here, and invite you to breathe in and dwell with me here in this garden of gratitude. Thank you for reading, listening, dedicating your time to joining me in the awe I hold for the community that has sustained, moved, and inspired me these past seven years.

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To my spouse, Phil Taylor: Thank you for carrying me through my doubts and frenzies with love, trust, and humor. This dissertation would not exist if it weren't for your love and generosity and support on every level. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful companion in life.

 

To my parents, Glenna Oue Theurer and Britton Theurer: thank you for always believing in me, for loving me deeply and stubbornly and without reservation, for sharing your compassion and wonder and care, and for being eager travel buddies even when I have no idea where I'm heading.​

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To my advisors and mentors, Jarosław Kapuściński, Thomas Grey, Denise Gill, and Claire Chase: to be guided by the four of you is a dream beyond my wildest dreams. May the care and generosity you've shown to me make its way back to you a thousandfold.

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Immense thanks to the incredible staff of administrators, librarians, and technological coordinators who have helped me through confusions and uncertainties and day-to-day requirements these past seven years, especially Debbie Barney, Marisa Cheng, Tamar Barzel, Ray Heigemeier, Jerry McBride, Vincent Kang, Nancy Shafman, Eva Kim, Bryan Hardester, Rowen Leigh, Velda Williams, Adriana Ramírez Mirabal, Nette Worthey, Constantin Basica, Fernando Lopez-Lezcano, and Madalyn Merkey.

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Thank you to all of my teachers and guides at Stanford, who have given me the world and taught me to embrace it with an open heart: Patricia Allessandrini, Hans Kretz, Heather Hadlock, Haruna Lee, Jesse Rodin, Matt Wright, Livia Sohn, Geoff Nuttall, Owen Dalby, Christopher Costanza, Mark Applebaum, Stephen Hinton, François Rose, Paul DeMarinis, William Mahrt, Stephen Sano, and Diane Frank.

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And thank you to everyone who has guided me through their work and mentorship outside Stanford these past seven years: Li(sa E.) Harris, Miya Masaoka, Mazz Swift, Matana Roberts, George Lewis, Meredith Monk, Claire Chase, Harumi Rhodes, Edward Dusinberre, Elisa Hamilton, Edward Jacobs, and Brontë Velez.

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To everyone who has attended Garden Party sessions— including Abby, Ambika, AnnaMaria, Barbara, Egemen, Hassan, Iddo, Jillian, Julie Herndon, Julie Zhu, Laura, Ling Ling, Meredith, Michele, Rebecca, Ryan, Starlin, Zachary— thank you from the bottom of my heart for your care, vulnerability, and generosity. Barbara Nerness, what an utter joy and inspiration to get to share my time at Stanford with you. Your creativity and commitment to making the world a better place bowl me over and lift me up again. Ambika Kamath: This project could never have existed without what you've created and shared. I'm endlessly grateful for the ways our paths intertwine, for your friendship and for the ways you have guided me with your light. AnnaMaria Ignarro: Thank you for drawing me ever deeper into who I am and how I love, through your letters, your conversations, your creativity, your courage. Love you so much. Michele Cheng, thank you for being my comrade, my friend, my inspiration, and for the million billion ways your care and humor make the world a more expansive and loving place. You are an utter star. Iddo Aharony, thank you for your gentle strength, your levity, your creative brilliance, your compassion. I could listen to what you make and share forever. Jonathan Leal, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being my unwavering and brilliant companion and guide on this journey. Julie Zhu, thank you for showing me the way to be strong and vulnerable and full of love all at once, for helping me step out and do things when I’ve been stuck in the weeds, for being my constant friend and heart-expanding inspiration. Egemen Kesikli, thank you for being the most generous friend I could ask for, and for being my companion and guide in our shared untanglings of musical colonialism. Also (!) thank you for the gift of joy that is Turkish Massage Owl, and for the way you share your delights and your griefs and everything in between through your mind-bogglingly gorgeous compositions (popular, traditional, classical, and otherwise). Starlin Lemons, thank you for inspiring me to the depths of my soul, and being the best dance buddy ever. You are a shining light in the universe, and I’m grateful every single day that I get to be your friend. Ling Ling Huang: my gosh, thank you to the world for bringing us together, and thank you Ling Ling for your friendship and generosity and brilliance. Your courage and compassion inspire me to love the world with everything I have.

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To Julie Herndon and Marie Finch: Treebirds! My loves! I can never say how grateful I am for you and for your friendship. Julie, your spirit and your thoughtfulness and your absolute creative brilliance astound me. If I could live inside the wonder of your compositions I’d be the happiest person alive. Marie, to get to share in your radiance and the generosity of your spirit is like being in the sun. I have never felt as expansive as I do each time I get to reflect and move with your artistic soul.

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To Susana Canales Barrón and Simona Fitcal: I didn't know it was possible to feel so cared for in the lens of a camera until I experienced your artistry. Thank you for your friendship, for your collaborations, and for the gift of who you each are.

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Alejandra Calvo, thank you for holding me when I felt fragile, and for going above and beyond with your incredible paintings for Reservoirs. 

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Liangyeh Tai, thank you for the gift of friendship, your musical collaborations, your guidance, and for Pema Chodron’s The Places that Scare You, which reached me at the exact moment I needed it to. 

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Rose Lachman, thank you for being a stunning and inspiring duo partner, for receiving my heaviest moments and giving back warmth and love, and for sticking with me even when I’ve done multiple 180s and don’t really know what direction I’m facing at all. You’re amazing.

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Meredith and Ryan, whatever I did to deserve getting to be your housemates and friends is the best thing I've ever done. 

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To Leslee Smucker, Russell Durham, and Winnie Huang, thank you for helping me realize that I'm not alone in my journey with the violin, and for showing me what it looks like to follow your principles with grace and creative abundance.

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Rebecca Moses, Jillian Costello, Tyler Denton, Tim Spinelli, and Charlie Costello, thank you for supporting me throughout this whole journey, and for being the most wonderful friends and co-conspirators I could ask for.

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Thank you to Gabriel Ellis, for being the absolute best cohort-mate imaginable, and to Doga Cavdir, Constantin Basica, Elea Proctor, Christina Kim, Daniel Koplitz, Matthew Gilbert, Michael Kinney, Tysen Dauer, Jenna Przybysz, Kirstin Haag, Michael Mulshine, Lloyd May, Kelly Christensen, Noah Fram, Munir Gur, Sean O’Dalaigh, Clara Allison, Kathleen Yuan, Doga Cavdir, Hanyu Qu, Ioanida Costache, David Wilson, Chris Lortie, Mark Rau, Scott Oshiro, Marise van Zyl, and everyone who made the graduate community in and around the Stanford music department warm and supportive.

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To everyone I've had the honor of teaching, including Michelle Cai, Nolan Miranda, Jess Ong, Devon Gates, Ria Modak, Luke Walker,  Harry Lee-Rubin, Sophie Choates, Isabella Meyer, Jessica Shand, Amir Siraj, Primo Lagaso Goldberg, Toussaint Miller, and Carmala VanFosson, thank you for everything you've taught me.

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Thank you to everyone at Creative Strategies for Change, especially to Rachael Sharpe, Micaela Iron Shell-Dominguez, Keandra Hunt, and Bianca Mikahn. And thank you to everyone at Design Studio for Social Intervention, especially Crystal Bi Wegner and Lori Lobenstine. The world is so lucky to have you, and I'm so grateful that I've gotten to work with and learn from you all.

 

To all the more-than-human companions I’ve had the fortune to spend time with along my journey, may the world deserve your goodness. Thank you to the trees who have shown me what it feels like to live a commitment to being home, to the eucalyptus and mint and sage that has reminded me how to open. Thank you to Honey, Norm, Brixi, Matilda, Dolly, Nyla, Banjo, Loki, Leo, Sophie, Charlotte, Isa, Tilly, Penelope, and Lizzie, for being the bestest sweetest cuddly dear beings, and to Jess the Dog (and her human Jess!) even though you didn't know me. I’m honored to love you all. Thank you Spuki (I’ll thank you separately from the dogs to give you your space) for being the gentlest and sweetest dextrous cactus and letting me love you. Thank you to Lady Cardinal for teaching me to grieve and reminding me to love.

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Thank you to everyone I cite here and everyone I have yet to meet through your words, images, sounds, or other actions.  

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And thank you Jenny Kallick, who first kindled my love for musicology and gave me the confidence that I could do something with it, and without whom I’d never have started this journey.